December 2004
december 4
I'm in my room at night and my light is off. I'm lying on my bed and in the dark I can see this huge, weird-looking beetle with these huge pinchers hanging from a string the way spiders do. I jump off the bed but the beetle is following me around the room so I run out and yell for my mom to go kill it. She does but she gets bitten by it first. I'm hanging out with Dana and some other people we went to high school with. We had to take the freeway out to some little farm community where we just walk around a lot. I left my glasses at home and I'm having trouble seeing some stuff. We're walking near these train tracks, and we're divided into three groups: A few people way ahead, me and another guy in the middle, and then Dana and two other girls (one of whom is sometimes Gwen) way behind us. There is a train coming in the same direction that we're walking, and it's slowed down a lot because there is a train coming from another direction, even though they're on separate tracks. There's also another front section (we keep calling it a 'head') of a train to the side of the tracks. The guy and I agree that probably something bad is going to happen so we run ahead and catch up with the people in front. Then we feel bad about leaving Dana and the other girls behind so we wait for them. When they get to where we are, it changes to where we're walking on a city street. I have a new job at this like child welfare organization. I don't have to work with the children, but I work in this office, doing things like keeping track of donations and also employee's schedules and how much they get paid. My boss is trying to explain her system of schedules and payments, which is really complicated and I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to learn it.
december 7
I get a job at this place simply called "The Brentwood School." My first day, I'm supposed to go to work in the evening sometime. It's late afternoon and I'm in this little diner, thinking about how I have to go to the job right after and I have no idea where the school is. I'm sitting right next to a window and I see a fire truck go by. My mom comes in and sits with me. She says we should look on the map, but I say I don't even know what street it's on. She does and describes it to me, and how to get there, but I still want a map, and decide to go home and print one out really quick. I want to pay for the meal but my mom insists on doing it. On my way out, I stop by the counter and ask the girl behind it if I can buy a bottle of water (I see some Dasani on display) and she says no. I'm at home and it's 8:30. I'm thinking that it's still pretty early, because it hasn't gotten dark at all. I get driving directions on Yahoo and then leave. For some reason I still don't go to the school, and end up back at my house, only now we're at the old place in Pittsburg. It's dark and everyone else is asleep. I go into the bathroom to use my cell to call my boss and tell him I'll be a little late, but I will be there. I'm getting no reception so I just leave the number on the phone until I can go outside, but it disappears. I decide to just leave, and head out to my car. There are three guys coming down the street. As soon as I've gotten into the car, they start trying to get in, but I lock it just in time. They get mad and start to shake the Jeep, so I start it up and drive it down the street in reverse. I end up at this shopping center, and walk around. I run into Dana and Maria and Michelle, so we hang out. We're walking towards a store and I see Mark. I don't think he sees us so I kind of slap him on the arm to get his attention. He gets really upset and starts screaming and yelling at me. I'm trying to talk to him and calm him down but he won't. Eventually I get him to and we have this really long, deep conversation about why we never talk anymore. I'm at this huge place that seems to literally have everything. It's a hospital and a store and a museum and a hotel and a movie theater. The whole place is white, the walls and the floors and the furniture and such. I go to the movies with Dana and Michelle and Maria. It's taking a long time to start. The lights are still on and people are still being rowdy when I ask Maria if she's thirsty. She says yes so we head out to the snack bar. It changes to our high school cafeteria but everything is still all white. We get trays even though there's still food on all of them - sausage and hash browns, mostly. I'm afraid to get rid of it, thinking maybe that is the meal. Everyone keeps saying that the meal they're going to serve is "BP" (I'm thinking beef patties). I'm alone and exploring the big white place. I have a shopping cart and I'm running around, pushing it along. I'm near the hospital section and I see some people wheeling on a gurney towards it. She's in labor so I run to get out of the way. I end up in this cafe and see Mr. Spelling and some other guy. I'm rambling on and on about all the different things I've seen and finish up with "I'm hyper!" and then run off. I go into this weird room where you can't see the people in the room unless you enter a certain way. You have to do a weird jump right as you go through the doorway. Mr. Spelling and the other guy jump in right after me and knock me over. We're all getting up when Dana comes in. She is seriously pissed off and wants to fight me, maybe kill me. I don't want to hit her but she keeps coming at me so I start hitting and kicking her. It doesn't affect her at all. She starts telling Mr. Spelling about all of these bad things I've done to her. One of them I can see like a movie. It's where we're really youngish, elementary age, and we're us but we don't look like ourselves. As a kid, I keep forcing her to sing this song (it's just a list of foods, starting with 'Blueberry muffins, pancakes' and whatever else) and it was my way of tormenting her, like making fun of her for being fat. I manage to get away from her and lock myself in one of the hotel rooms. She comes along and tries to get the door open. There are two regular locks and one that is the chain type. She gets both of the regular ones unlocked, but I lock them again and hold them as soon as she's done it. She tries to break the chain from the other side, and I'm worried that it might break because it's really delicate-looking. She can't, though, and finally leaves. I'm so paranoid that I start keeping my keys with me all the time, even in the shower, so I can have my pepper spray with me if she attacks me there. Some time has gone by and I'm back at home but still kind of freaked out and hiding. My parents, brother, grandparents and uncle are in the backyard to play cards, and I have to take out snacks and the cards (one deck for each of them) but I'm too scared to stay out there also.
december 8
I'm helping my mom clean the house because one of our neighbor's son is going to be staying with us for a weekend. The kid is a baby still, just old enough to walk around and cause trouble so we're childproofing everything. My dad and I are making fun of the woman because she always refers to her kid as "the little man." My mom thinks it's cute. I'm at Long's, but it's more like a department store. I'm taking my time looking around, because I'm supposed to meet up with Mark and Maria later, but have plenty of time until then. I'm looking at some jewelry boxes when my cell phone rings. It's Mark. We're supposed to meet at four and he was calling to ask if I needed him to give me a wake up call so I could be there on time. I say no. He asks if I can either buy him the new U2 CD or lend him the money to do it. He can't pay for it himself right now because he owes Dana some money for a ring that she bought. I consider it seriously and ask him when he can pay me back. He says not for another month and I decide I can't, since it will take up most of my money. We get off the phone and I continue window shopping. I'm in the back by houseware type stuff, and there are all these women talking about a man who's in the store and has lost his glasses. I realize I'm not wearing my own, and backtrack until I find them. I look at my watch and I see that it's 4:30 and I'm late to meet Mark and Maria. I leave and go to the place, which looks like a school. It's deserted and I can't find them so I decide to go ahead and leave. I'm walking back to the parking lot and there are these three guys who look at me and kind of follow me for a minute but then back off. I'm passing through this gate and some guys come out of this hallway on the side. One of them tells me to look behind me. That other group of guys is back and coming up from behind me. I'm getting seriously panicked when finally the one who talked to me says it's a joke, and hands me a piece of paper. It's this weird letter from Mark, saying how when I'm late, he worries about "things like that" happening to me.
december 14
We're living at the old house. Rose is there and we want to go somewhere. We get into a weird, open car. It looks something like I'd imagine a convertible Jeep would look like. Rose gets into the drivers seat. The steering wheel is on the right side of the car. I get in right behind her. She has trouble controlling the car and scrapes it against our fence. I get a small scratch on my hand but that's it, because I'm wearing a helmet. She gets really upset and I try to calm her down, but she won't so I pick her up and try to carry her somewhere she can lie down and relax. She's fighting me the whole time and gets away from me. I run after her and we end up in this school. I follow her into a classroom where a bunch of kids are watching TV. I look at the TV really intently, trying to figure out what it is so I can write about it when I wake up.
december 16
I'm hanging out with Mark. We go to the same school, which seems to be a Catholic school. We're walking around the same neighborhood of the campus and Mark keeps talking about this guy who lives in a certain house on the corner. Mark keeps referring to him as the Ayatollah. The guy sees us out there talking, gets mad and comes out and shoots this guy who is working in his yard (one of his one workers). He throws the gun on the ground and we know he's going to try to frame us, so we run off back to the school. Our shoes are all muddy and we have to wipe them off on the doormat for a long time. They're still dirty so we take them off so we can put them out on the back porch. We're in a laundry room in the back and taking out all these coins we have in our pockets and saying that maybe if we put them in the donation box we won't get into trouble.
december 17
I'm at home and in the backyard. It's night and some guy who lives behind us has cut a huge door-sized section out of the fence and come into our yard. We get into some argument and he goes back. There are a bunch of people from some club I'm in (a writers club I think?) for a party. It's the next day and I have to go to the Virgin Mobile offices in San Francisco. Dana, Maria, Lucy, and some other girl are going to go with me. I'm running late and still getting ready when they arrive. I don't have any makeup on but I decide I don't care, so we just leave. At first we're walking but we must have had a car at some point because we're in San Francisco. To get to the office we have to go through a bunch of other places, such as this daycare. There's a little girl there that we have to take along with us. This group of guys (four or five altogether, but they're split up) are trying to keep us from going to the office, so two of them get me, Maria and the girl I don't know into their car to take us away. Dana and Maria and the little girl are with the other guys. At first they try to keep us restrained by tying our hands up with these garbage-bag looking pieces of plastic, but give up. Maria realizes they didn't take our cell phones so she tells me to dial *86 on mine. It turns out to be the same as dialing 911 I guess. I get in touch with this policeman named Jim (I keep calling him Officer Jim) and I'm trying to describe to him where we are by looking at road signs and stores we're passing because I have no idea where we are. I tell him about how they have to find the other car because they have the little girl with them.
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